What kind of wardrobe is that?
Spread 'em apart.
- What are you doing? - Oh, come on.
Come on. Your aim is totally off.
You gonna make something happen or what?
One, two, three.
I'll give you Billy the Kid.
I'm all wet.
Now you're gonna get wet.
This could have been a fantastic island right here.
It was full-out class until about 1930.
Till you could hop a plane to Bermuda for the weekend.
Yeah. Look at it now.
Let that be a lesson to us.
I promise you, strict controls on Tiki.
We can't ever let it go downhill.
That's why I won't let anybody build on anything less than ten acres.
And no pokereno. No frozen custard.
No saltwater taffy.
Anybody litters, we deport 'em.
Thanks, Bertha. It was a nice ride.
You're welcome.
How are you doing with Jessica?
She seems very nice.
We haven't exactly gotten intimate yet.
You're the most fascinating man she ever met.
- Did she say that? - We have no secrets.
We're freezing! Come on!
Miss Hawaii!
Yes, indeed. Miss Hawaii!
Style and grace...
and a beautiful face...
from our beautiful 50th state of blue...
Hawaii!
Yes, indeed! No contest!
Major discovery.
Totally major discovery!
She's it!
This is my favorite part of the show. Having fun?
I'm just having a ball.
I notice in your biographical sketch...
that you haven't tap danced since you were nine years old.
No, sir. Not really, sir.
Ask her an interesting question. Quit milking it for yourself.
I see you brought your own rooting section with you.
Yes, sir, I did.
Well, how about that?
Thank you. We wish you all the best luck in the world, honey.
And now...
comes the moment...
we've all been waiting for.
I don't envy our judges.
They've had to select from among the most glamorous...
and the most talented contestants ever.
But at last they have reached their decision.
And there she is...
being crowned by last year's queen...
the most beautiful girl in the world...
Miss America!
You look beautiful, darlin'.
Take a walk. Come on. Hit the big runway.
Here she comes
Miss America
Here she comes
My ideal
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic City
And there she is
Walking on air, she is
- Fairest of the fair, she is - You said midnight.
We're pushing 1:00 a.m. You ain't splurging for no time and a half.
Sticklers!
Nobody down here got any pageantry. Nobody even wants it anymore.
What's happening? I haven't finished.
That's it?
- Why can't she finish? - Go on home. You're off the rate.
Take Miss America and her pageant and get outta here.
- Let her finish. - What do you got in here? Dracula?
Come on, darlin', come on.
Here she comes Miss America
Here she comes Our ideal
Into the chariot.
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
- We got him. - You got him. Bring him in.
Get him prepared to eat. Right?
- Yeah, he looks like a good one. - He's not very big.
Cook better when they're that size.
We need about four or five more.
Davey, which one do you like?
Forgive me. We don't want to misunderstand about these dolphins.
They live with people in the same family?
Exactly. At least that's the way these particular experiments were structured.
In one, a girl lived intimately with a male dolphin for two months.
They developed an extraordinary level of inter-species communication.
She taught him to make humanoid sounds, even English language phrases.
They learned to sense one another's moods...
to make each other happy.
Please. How did she make this dolphin happy?
Well...
he liked to have the skin between his flippers stroked, for one thing.
She eventually learned to relieve his sexual needs...
if that's what you're curious about, and I certainly would be.
The point is, there are 100 avenues to redefining leisure.
We're exploring many of them.
Dolphins are only one example, of course.
You see, we don't believe people today want to spend their whole vacation...
lazing on their backs in the sun.
They want to bring home something more than just a suntan.
But no nightclub, no entertainment?
I can promise you stage shows that are one of a kind.
Like my brother's mind.
And you've been listening to the man.
We're not talking about Las Vegas.
He's already booked the most fantastic tap dancing show in America.
Gentlemen, lady, excuse me.
I have a splitting headache.
On your way home, pick up the cake.
Then we can have dessert at the suite later.
I'm sorry.
Business discussions always disturb her, give her a headache.
It's because her father talked of nothing but business at dinner...
or something like that.
Sit down.
We, too, must be getting back to our hotel.
Nonsense. It's still early. Sit down.
We'll be leaving on an early flight tomorrow out of Newark.
Most fascinating, these plans of yours.
Anyhow, since we're talking about Lewis's money...
perhaps we should soon be talking to Lewis.
You've always had this. You seem to need to cut me.
Jason, you gave me the impression we had this island all locked up.
It is all locked up.
Are you trying to teach me about business?
You really think that you settle every last detail over a lobster?
Come on. You know better than that.
This whole deal is no competition.
Those Orientals got nobody else interested in this island.
If it's such a desirable piece of property...
why don't they have somebody else interested?
Because we're talking about a highly-superstitious people.
I checked this proposition out myself.
These Orientals think there's a jinx on this place.
Nobody will touch it. And Dimblewit won't play ball with the right people.
So they think Tiki's a white elephant.
Even if you could sew up a down payment, a nightclub isn't...
What we got here is Staebleravia. A kingdom.
For God's sakes, let somebody else handle the entertainment.
Your brother changes his mind twice a night.
If David has any reservations, I welcome the opportunity to rebut them.
If somebody doesn't want something, you just can't go give it to him.
He's never going to understand what you're trying to do for him. Not ever.
He doesn't have any gratitude.
He's got only one thing: Depression, suspicion and mistrust.
She's not all wrong.
I mean, there is a grain of truth there.
You're asking me to believe in another dream.
Like two years ago...
when we were going to go on a trip around the world, the two of us...
all expenses paid.
Cook's Tours. Holland American line.
That's the perfect example.
I convinced the U.S.I.A. That we are goodwill ambassadors, big smile...
and then you gotta show up in one of your famous depressions.
Look...
I don't hear from you for a year and a half, then you call...
That's what I'm talking about. Do you hear your attitude now?
Why not give me a chance, a few months?
Suppose I do fall on my ass. What does that cost you?
My suggestion is we call it a night. If you two could hear yourselves!
We could hear ourselves better if you would butt out for 30 seconds.
- Come on, Jessie, let's go. - In a minute, Sally.
No, honey, it's beddie-bye time. Come on.
Tomorrow's another day.
Another day, another dollar. Early bird gets the worm.
You're the one who's acting like a three-year-old.
Why don't you just go to bed?
You get in that bedroom right now!
Good night.
Jason, why don't you sleep out here tonight with your little brother?
You can squeeze two in that Murphy bed.
You better go.
I've already told them what we're callin' the place.
The Philosopher King...
after you.
Jason!
Yeah. I get to feed alfalfa to the rabbits, right?
David, stuff is gettin' too complicated in this shithole.
Why must you always walk away like that?
I know you're afraid.
But I don't know...
what it is that makes you afraid.
You better go to bed now.
I love you!
I know.
I love you, too.
Good-bye to all this, huh?
How deep is beauty?
Skin deep!
Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.
Out goes the old and in... goddamn... comes the new
Farewell to finery!
Goddamn! Tiki! Hawaii! Winter's out!
Winter coats, go!
It's all over!
I got inferno here.
No more!
- You throw one on. - Good-bye to all of this!
Three, four.
- Take that, too! - Fast as you can go. Go!
Darlin', where you goin'?
Sally, are you all right?
There! Now we're a "cooperation," huh?
No more competition. Are you happy?
Did you want any of this? You can have anything you want.
Should we save something for you?
You pick out something for your old age.
This will be your hope chest, my darling.
Here it is.
Don't get tears on a pretty face.
I want you to stay as beautiful as you can as long as you can.
You don't need this, though! What am I thinking?
They're gonna have new and improved products by the time you're old...
and withered.
Fat.
Saggy breasted.
Stretch marks all over your blubbery thighs.
Your dumpy behind.
You're not gonna need any of this stuff.
No. Or this.
Or this.
It's all for you now, Jessie.
It's all you, honey.
I'm just along for the ride now.
Isn't it funny how things change? See how things change?
Now you're the meal ticket.
Yeah. You won't forget old Sal, will you?
You gonna forget old Sal?
Don't you cry! Why are you crying, Miss America?
Let me see Miss America. There she is. That's good.
And I am your chaperon.
Yes, I am. I will be your chaperon.
I'll wait up for you. I'll stay home, and I'll wait up...
my little bunny rabbit.
And every night when you come home, I'll tuck you in.
How 'bout that?
All right?
Tame, you go first.
You've known Sally a long time, haven't you?
My whole life practically.
She's my stepmother.
Wait a minute.
It's my eye makeup.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
to lay sweet Maybelline in her final resting place in the sand.
Eye liner.
Eye shadow.
And eyelashes.
Do you know that eyelashes are made out of real animal fur?
They are, really! Honest.
Minks.
I've been walking around for 20 years...
with little minks on my eyelids.
May I greet the morning...
as I am...
with my own naked face.
Yes?
Come on, let's go...
run some of that energy off.
Come on, sweetheart. There's nothing left to throw into the fire.
I just want to sit here. I don't want to run.
Sally, please come run with me right now.
Come on.
Come on. I'll go slow. Come on.
I never went anywhere.
I never left my cabin.
Except to pick up some milk and cheese at a farm in the valley nearby.
Never saw anybody.
Except old Ma Sobowski...
who ran it by herself.
She had a Sunday supplement color photograph ofJohnny Unitas...
Scotch-taped to her wall.
I told myself I had all that I needed in the way of human companionship.
But then I couldn't make it through the winter alone.
They're gonna be down here any second.
We're in the middle of something, aren't we?
Do you want me to go someplace with you?
Look, David...
there have been lots of men.
At first, Sally carried me...
and then I tagged along...
until I got old enough...
and we went together.
Sort of...
a package deal.
That's a polite way of putting it.
When my father left, she didn't have to take me with her.
That's what I mean when I talk about being connected to somebody.
You mean sleepwalking along on someone else's life?
Jessica!
Do you think you're the only one who's entitled to be selfish?
What are you doing down there? Hatching corporate mergers?
Let's mule train outta here. We're on the town tonight.
Here we come.
My, don't they look nice together!
Oh, aren't we chichi?
Aren't we chic-ery, Davey?
Sally and her beautiful people. Yes?
Jes and Jas. Jas and Jes. It's just too perfect.
Come on.
You're gonna be all right alone?
Good night.
As illusions begin to drift and fade like white snow...
Once while pretending to be living alone...
in a cabin in the woods...
it began to snow...
for 11 days and 11 nights.
The end of the sixth day...
I began to feel...
that I was...
disappearing.
Shit!
Edit that out, Frank.
Edit that out, too.
Bitch.
Have you...
ever had the feeling that you were uncertain?
That you were where you sensed yourself to be?
That you were in a set?
That all of the...
things were...
props...
put there to stimulate you?
And that you were, in fact...
under observation in some...
white hospital?
God. Vomit.
Edit all that out, Frank.
The roads...
were impassable.
The blizzard...
had been falling for eight days.
The snow had built over the windowsill...
enclosing the windows...
cutting off all the white light.
Excuse me. Start again.
- Who are you? - Let's go, Staebler.
What do you want?
Who told you to come in here?
Who sent you?
Hold it.
Stay there.
- Nobody said nothing about no gun. - No way.
- Who sent you? - We're just pick up and delivery.
Don't move.
We ain't goin' nowhere, right?
Wait a minute. I wanna ask you one or two questions.
Wait, I said!
I got business with Jason Capone upstairs.
He's out for the evening.
In that case, we got all the time in the world.
I'm not gonna cause you any trouble. You can rely on that.
I just want to find out a few things.
As long as you ain't no dirty trouble causer.
There are two types put me up tight.
A dirty double-crosser...
and a dirty trouble causer.
You know what a dirty double-crosser is?
That's the cat that sails all the way to Paris, France...
and all the way back...
without taking a bath for the duration.
Now...
a dirty trouble causer...
he's something else again.
He might be a cat looking to arrange secret meetings with my superiors.
I'm in a hurry.
I hope you cautious, carrying that little piece in your pocket.
Let's go.
You remind me of a little sweet cat I used to know in Perth Amboy.
Carried a little derringer like that.
One day it went off in his pants.
Changed his life.
I just want to forewarn you.
Some cats mistakenly presume if a white man walks in bearing firearms...
he's on a hostile mission.
You want to stay cordial?
Don't ever point no weapon at me. Understand?
Move.
You're not a whole lot smarter than your brother.
I was only playing with you that time in my office. I'm Lewis.
Heard Jason talk about you many a time.
Many a time.
You're the philosopher.
Yeah.
An hour ago, two hoodlums tried to kidnap me.
I heard that.
They were told to pick up your big, bad brother.
Why are you afterJason?
After him?
You got to be kiddin'! After him?
Is that how come you requested a summit meeting?
I neglected to mention. He was packing this.
Yeah?
Come here.
What do they call you?
Teddy the Wonder Boy.
I wonder why in the hell you don't stay out of my kitchen?
Can't hear yourself think around here.
You putJason in jail.
Why not? I kept him out enough times.
Odd way to pay somebody back for years of loyalty.
Pay back? You come to tell me who owes who?
I'd the impression that he'd opened up some territories for you.
Places you couldn't get into, places in the South...
like Daytona, Atlanta, New Orleans.
Places that brought you a lot of money.
So I don't forget a job well done.
But maybe you don't know about Hawaii.
I know about Hawaii.
You sent a flunky down there, you don't get anything big.
You send Jason, of course he's got ideas of his own. What do you expect?
That's what you like about him, why he's working this job for you.
That's how you got started. You think everything goes down one after another?
Everything's settled over a lobster dinner?
It doesn't work that way.
I send him on errands. Next thing, he wants his own island.
For a venture!
Sure. Craps, roulette.
He'll make a fortune for me. He's gonna be the new Conrad Hilton.
He wants to start off for himself like you started off for yourself.
That's all. He's just like you.
Look, son...
ifJason's tired of Atlantic City...
I'll send him to Hawaii.
Fine!
You want to go along also, fine.
We'll buy you boys some kind of pineapple stand down there.
- How's that? - I know my brother better than you.
One thing about him...
if he insists he's still working for me...
his ass is going to rot in correctional for 2 to 5 on an auto theft felony.
Listen, son.
I'll invite him to live in my own residence...
but no business.
You, I can talk to.
You and me could work up some sweet deals.
Jason's no businessman. Can't he understand?
He won't listen to my opinion.
I think he's an artist.
Who's Lewis?
Some pitiful shine off the streets with moderate brains.
I was his goddamn turning point, brother.
That's right. Jason Staebler.
Lewis was nickels and dimes when he met me.
You're living in his suite.
What? The man was hustling numbers on Baltic Avenue when I met him.
I built his entire organization, and if you think...
I need Lewis to sew up Tiki Island, you're dead wrong, so forget it.
Don't tell me. Tell theJapanese.
I don't want you in the shower unless you're totally packed.
I'm totally packed!
I don't know why you and I are discussing theJapanese...
because Mount Fuji-face only knows Lewis...
because I picked up some real estate for him.
With whose money? Who paid for it?
I got guys seven, eight figures calling me all the time...
asking what they should do with their loose cash.
Thousands of'em. I can't sleep. The telephone's ringing all the time.
For Christ's sake! Look how close we are!
What, are you lettin' us get our wires crossed now?
Just let me row us into shore. Will you, please?
Close? You keep pretending that the charges don't exist.
He wants me out of his hair. Is that what you're saying? I'm out.
Let Lewis clear up the phony rap.
Do you realize I have absolutely nothing to pack? Nothing.
I've left a thousand places. This is the first time I've had no packing.
If everything don't work out for you like magic, then it's all a mirage.
I've been knocking around a little longer than you have.
I can tell you one thing right off the bat. It ain't never that easy.
Even my makeup kit is empty.
If plan A busts, you switch to plan B, with C and D to fall back on.
Then maybe you end up with something.
A lot of plans.
I think you'd be happier back in Philadelphia living with Grandpa.
Every week for $110, you can rehash the same bullshit...
that you have been boring me to death with since I was 15 years old.
What about her, Jason? What are you gonna do with her?
Send her home from Hawaii in a basket?
What are you, the consulting psychiatrist? I happen to be here!
Can't you see I'm trying to have a conversation with my brother?
- Get in and pack your bag. - I don't have anything to pack!
The limousine's due. I don't care if you have anything to pack or not.
Go downstairs and buy a magazine then.
Just do me a favor. Don't go to pieces on me now.
Look, we'll leave Sally here.
Jessica, you and I can go, settle the backing, then send for Sally.
You still think there's a deal! Your household is crumbling...
and you're putting together a multimillion-dollar real estate deal.
You two run off with Jessie and leave me here alone!
I'm going back to Philadelphia.
And you are going to stand trial on Friday.
There's not gonna be a trial. How many times I gotta tell you that?
Can't you think? Just be quiet, will ya, darlin'?
You want to know why nobody can ever have a conversation with you?
It's very simple. You cannot keep the issues straight.
Are you gonna leave me?
- Let's just drop it then. - No, let's not just drop it then.
You wantJessica to stay and take care of Sally, that's fine with me.
I merely thought that the girl would be an added attraction, that's all.
This way, it's much better. Now you and I together can go close up the deal.
Christ, Jason! Will you wake up for one minute?
Will you open your eyes? Open your ears!
Okay, the big problem is where to dump me. Isn't it?
Well, isn't it?
How's this? I'll shoot myself.
Then the three of you can run off to the South Sea islands together.
How's this? You stop acting crazy for a minute, huh?
- You want me to beg you? - Don't be rigid.
I am not being rigid. I'm simply telling you...
get your ass into the bedroom or I'll shoot you myself.
We both had a bellyful of you.
How's this? I'll shoot David. Then I'll go to the gas chamber...
and you can run off with Jessica, which you've wanted to do for a long time.
- Give me the gun. - Isn't it, Jason?
Let me tell you what's number one with me. You wanna really know?
It's my brother. For 30 years we've tried to get together on something.
We finally have an opportunity. We are very close.
If you think you're gonna chase him back to Philly with this scene...
and it's gonna beJessica, you and me playing ukuleles in the sand, forget it!
No, ma'am! Never! So get a grip on yourself.
Wait a minute!
Just a minute, you! I'll shoot you!
Then your brother can run off with myJessie and live happily ever after.
- They'll probably pin a medal on me. - What's going on?
Your mother's gonna murder one of us.
So far the only one she hasn't nominated is you.
I can see it now.
"Matron slays three in seashore love nest." Headline material.
It's still on.
There was no way that...
the middle-aged Kewpie doll really thought that...
Miss America was in the cards.
The dinners with...
theJapanese businessmen in bibs...
and the latest come-on with Lilly's dolphins...
all seemed harmless.
No sense in not going along for the ride...
and not enjoying the games...
when that's what the trip seemed to be about.
No need not to speculate what your hero was doing behind the doors...
late at night when you couldn't sleep.
If the goals didn't seem serious for moments...
then certainly nothing more serious could happen.
Maybe there even would be a trip to blue Hawaii.
I certainly didn't wanna stop it.
But in the fun house...
how do you know who's really crazy?
How do you know if it's supposed to be you...
that stops it right now?
And you don't know how to stop it.
The gun was...
always with the water pistols.
Until Wednesday.
This has been your host David Staebler.
The program is Etcetera.
What are you looking at this for?
Do you know what time it is?
Don't worry about me. I'm all right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay. I know you didn't mean it.
Good night.